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eBook sample - The art of picking up women

Freelance eBook writing portfolio sample

Below is a sample of an eBook chapter ghostwritten by Get There Writing Services for a US based publishing client

The Art Of Picking Up Women

Lights, swig of beer, deep breath, and, action! You start moving through the crowd towards the beautiful woman at the other end of the room - the one who's been giving you enough come hither looks to justify such a dangerous act. Your heart is pounding like a Scottish marching band on amphetamines, but you’re feeling confident. Or a fairly good chance. Well, kind of hopeful. Ok, at least you LOOK confident.

Without warning, the damsels eyes lift from the depths of what appears to be a highly involved conversation with her girlfriend, sweep across the room, and land smack bang on a fast approaching mammal, i.e. you, the deer caught in heavens headlights. Your legs begin to dissolve into an elastic jelly-like substance as you realise the bar, bathroom and exit are all in the opposite direction. You are on the express train to Venus Central with no get out clause. Sorry, did I say you were looking confident?

That cruel tormenting mind of ours
With every step the voices in the crowd blend into an inaudible murmur and the sea of night owls seem to part far too quickly as your legs wobble and shake towards the increasingly beautiful and daunting object of your affections. Now your mind decides to get in on the act and starts playing cruel and calculated games for its own amusement. Little voices whisper, “You know everyone is looking at you don’t you?”, “They can’t wait to hear you’re opening line”, “Did someone just say ‘this is going get ugly’?” and “The really funny thing is that she wasn’t even looking at you. She was checking out the better looking guy behind you”.

"No", you say to yourself, "it’s just you damn voices in my head trying to upset my plans again". But they can’t stop you now. No-one can. Not with that brilliant opening line you thought up - the one that’s going to have her falling at your feet as soon as you deliver it. Hang on, what was that brilliant line again? “Hey mind, what have you done with my pick up line? And where’s that list of fascinating conversation topics, playful jokes and tall stories I asked you to look after for me? Don’t leave me alone out here!”

The temptation to curl up into the fetal position, grip your head in your hands and scream, “Will you just shut up!” bacomes almost overwhelming. Wisely, you resist as you realise it might not leave her with a great first impression. Besides, your friends are behind you all the way egging you on from the safety of their position at the other end of the bar. They savour your every shaking step, making snide remarks and willing you to fall flat on your face in a bottomless pool of humiliation.

Read my lips loser
Focusing once again on the nubile goddess you wander over every sweet detail of her lovely face – the sparkling eyes, that luminous skin and those bee-stung lips that dance as she whispers something to her friend out of the corner of her mouth. But this doesn’t help much. Despite the fact that she is still 10 feet and 20 boisterously babbling drunks away, you've suddenly and miraculously become a luscious lip-reader. In your mind there is no doubt that she just said, “Loser alert at three o’clock”, and the friend (with her back turned to you) answered, ”Oh goodie, I love a good verbal knee-capping in the evening”. The giggling only confirms your suspicions.

Want to see something really scary?

So here you are on the big screen, the star of your own bad movie. Cameras rolling, audience holding their breath and you've misplaced the script. It’s been shredded by braincells flooding in a sea of overwhelming panic, uncontrollable fear and visions of imminent disaster just as the train sidles up to Venus Station. Flush-faced and sweating like a beetroot with sunburn, you open your mouth to speak. The screen goes to black and a warning appears: The following scene may disturb some viewers. It contains moments of excessive humiliation.

Pretty scary film huh? If this sounds way too familiar for comfort, don’t worry, most guys have starred in such gut-wrenching horror scenes. Those fears of rejection and ego-crushing knock-backs are something we all experience at one time or another. I know that I used to.

Of course, it’s completely logical - being terrified of a stranger answering, “No thanks” or imagining her telling everybody (insert shock horror here), "Hey this guy just said hello!" Especially in a place like a bar where hundreds of people have dressed up and headed out to sit around for hours and spend all their money for the sole purpose of watching you get burnt. Yes, it all makes complete sense.

Whenever we put ourself out there and take a chance witha woman, it’s natural to have some concerns about the outcome. However, when we step back and take a look at the big picture all those insecurities and fears do seem a little ridiculous. The truth is, the art of picking up women is not some special talent that a few lucky guys are born with - it’s something every man can learn. Success with the opposite sex is just about having confidence in yourself and knowing a few things that women find appealing - and unappealing.

She ain't heavy, she's my infatuation

The biggest problem is that we don’t make things easy for ourselves. For example, could we have possibly come up with a more intimidating phrase than “The art of picking up women”? It contains three of the scariest words ever known to man - art, picking up, and women.

Art can be beautiful to look at but hand most guys a paintbrush and a slab of canvas and the result is likely to be a few sick looking stick figures standing next to a house under an equally emaciated looking tree. We don’t have much confidence in our creative side as it is. The idea of hanging up our pathetic matchstick men in an exhibition for all to see and scrutinise is enough to make us run for the nearest hills.

Secondly, who decided to call it "picking up" anyway? Before we even start it all sounds so heavy, strenuous and extremely stressful on the body and mind - particularly if she’s a 6ft body builder. Ballerinas and gymnasts aside, when was the last time you enjoyed picking up anything that weighed more than a 100 pounds?

Thirdly, the word “women” sends shivers down our spines. We’ll land on the moon, fight to the death, race cars, tackle technology, kill spiders and even check to see if there is an axe murderer downstairs in the middle of the night, but don’t expect us to go up and introduce ourselves to some pretty little filly. That’s way too much to ask. We love the idea of landing our rockets on Venus, revving up her engine and turning her hard drives soft, but the possibility of going where no man has gone before armed with nothing more than our fragile male egos holding it together scares us to death.

So the first thing we are going to do is replace the phrase “the art of picking up women” with something far more appealing. How does “say hi to a girl” sound? Not that scary now is it?